My sunglasses are not food, Larry. Neither are my headphones, that bookstore receipt and my leg. Well technically my leg could be food, but that’s sick, you’re sick, Larr.
I know why you’re acting like this. It’s close to dinnertime, and you obviously want fed, and you want fed now. Well cat, I hate to break it to you, but you ‘re going to have to wait. You’re real owner has you on a very strict eating plan, and hell if I’m going to be the one to break it. You actually should be very familiar with this diet plan, since you’ve been on it the entire one-year you’ve been alive: breakfast before she goes to work, and dinner when she gets back. And if you would look up from gnawing on my leg for a second, Larr, you would see that she isn’t back yet. So I will not be feeding you right this minute, even though everything you’re doing right now would suggest that you demand otherwise.
I know you can wait this out, in fact, I’ve seen you do it before. And stop with that desperate sounding meowing. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. In fact, I know everything about your plan. I’ve read up on you cats. I know things, Larry, and I don’t think you want to get in a battle of wits against a human.
For instance, I came across an article entitled “13 Things You Didn’t Know About you Cat”, and after being like, please tell me 13 things I don’t know about my cat, I read the article. And do you want to know what I learned, besides the fact that scientists don’t actually know why cats purr (weird) and cats bump noses to “shake hands” (ADORABLE)? I learned (#3) that cats totally control their vocalizations AKA when you want food, you can make your cat cries sound like you’re an inch away from starvation and are going through a slow and painful death!
So HA, Larry, HA. You’ve been bested by a human!
You may sound desperate Larry, but deep down, you’re just trying to manipulate me, and I won’t be won over that easily. So yeah, keep staring me down. I’ll just look right back at those green eyes, searching for any semblance of love in that black, manipulative heart of yours. Keep eating my things, they’ll only make you sick. And keep biting my leg, because even though I push you off, you ‘ll come back for more, because (#5) cats don’t understand punishment like humans do….
Which, wait, is really messed up. But whatever! I’m just gonna focus on this win, until I can somehow figure out how to get you to do what I want by not punishing you, and instead…rewarding you… for your good behavior.
Damn, even your innate cat learning abilities manipulate humans into bowing down to you.
You’re good, entire cat species. You’re good.
AMY 1. CATS…also 1.
Your bitch, apparently,
Full because I fed you OR because you needed to be fed