Dear Larry,
Why do you eat plastic? It isn’t healthy for you and it can’t taste all that great. Having to clean up the regurgitated pieces of plastic that you’ve half digested before unleashing back on the world makes me want to vomit, and yet instead of taking my happiness, and your happiness for that matter, into account you always go back for more.
Are you addicted, Larry? Maybe plastic is kitty crack and you’re not being bad, just silently battling the inner demons of plastic addiction, unable to express the torture of having your body constantly yearn for thin plastic bags, hair ties and the mysterious, miscellaneous pieces of plastic I never knew existed in this household until I see them amongst your vomit…..
Yes, that would be a sad tale, Larry. But I don’t see other cats eating as much plastic as you, so it’s pretty clear that your claim to a plastic addiction would be unfounded, Larry. You must just like it.
Weirdo.
Is it the taste? All those organic polymers or chemicals or whatever other magical science-y nonsense that makes up plastic cannot be sooo delicious that your constantly eating it. If they did, more humans would probably have weird addictions to eating plastics. Notice how I said more, Larry, because I’m pretty sure plastic addiction is a real thing in humans, according to a bunch of reality show. Which is just another reason why it’s not okay to be faking one, Larry. It’s just inconsiderate cause there are real people out there people suffering from plastic addiction….maybe.
Is it the texture? Does that sleek, stretchy smooth material feel funny, yet awesome in your mouth and on your tongue? I can’t get behind the eating of plastic, Larry, but I guess I could get behind that reasoning. I mainly enjoy tapioca pudding and cottage cheese simply for their odd textures, but again those things can’t kill me, Larry. Plastic consumption, on the other hand, kills. If only you had seen those recycling PSAs where they caution irresponsible humans against casually tossing plastic six-pack rings and other dangers into oceans and parks and stuff, plastics which eventually kill adorable and defenseless animals.
Adorable. Defenseless. Animals. Killed.
Killed, Larry. Killed.
So I’ll keep telling you reminding you how bad it is to be eating plastic as I forcibly fish around in your mouth for the remnants of my hair tie.
Just say no to plastic. Please. Before this is you…
Love,
Amy
Dear Larry 